


A Comedy Show to Never Forget

by SailMyShips



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: AU where everyone lives, F/M, M/M, Richie and Eddie started dating in high school, a pomeranian - Freeform, and adopted a dog after college, and they defeated Pennywise as kids, because, canon can suck my dick, i had this idea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-10-14 09:34:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20598581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SailMyShips/pseuds/SailMyShips
Summary: Richie "Trashmouth" Tozier was many thing- suave, handsome, the ultimate friend and boyfriend, and above all else a damn good comedian.So join him one night as he does his final show of the week, with his losers club seated front row. Eddie Kapsbrak's eyes on him, as a small weight in his pocket keeps his anxiety high, and his plan from failing.///Apologies if this sucks- I have never written for It before, so if this is bad or the characters aren't written well I am sorry!





	A Comedy Show to Never Forget

**Author's Note:**

  * For [everyone hurt by It canon](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=everyone+hurt+by+It+canon).
  * Inspired by [And Then I Did](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20575784) by [ToSeeAMarchingBand](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToSeeAMarchingBand/pseuds/ToSeeAMarchingBand). 

Richard “Trashmouth” Tozier was many things. A trashmouth, saying as that’s been his nickname as long as he could remember, a suave boyfriend, the best friend any of his friend’s could have had, and the world’s best comedian. He was currently on tour, almost at the end of it all, and was at three times a week. Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Tuesdays and Thursdays were reserved for “Richie time”. Well, Richie and Eddie time but that’s besides the point.

He was handsome, black curls that some may say is leading to what could be a receding hairline but those people had no clue what they’re talking about, brown eyes that could melt hearts, and did in the case of his Eddie spaghetti, and was oh so modest. He was all of these things, and was the furthest thing from being a bragger. How lucky everyone in his life must be to have him.

Yet here he was, five minutes from going on for this week's final performance, the losers seated front row- and he felt like he was about to puke. Well, to be fair, he may have already puked. Just a little bit, into the corner bin which was now hiding in the bathroom with lots of toilet paper covering it._ (If anyone asked the booze was bad.) _His friends had seen his shows before, be it the old Netflix special or stopping by during a tour.

They had just never all been together in one room as he made jokes. Well, that’s wrong. They all grew up together, naturally they had all been in one room as he made jokes. They had just never all been in one room together as he made jokes and was getting _ paid _to do it.

That’s all.

Nothing to worry about.

Just his childhood best friends and boyfriend seated front row watching as Richie makes jokes at his own expense.

He may just well vomit again.

Knocking on the door drew him from his thoughts, and he was grateful for that. Being lost in his thoughts? Yeah, no thanks. He was led to the stage, the murmuring of the audience growing louder as he continued, shaking his hands in hopes of removing any sweat from them. _ Alright Richie Rich, you got this. No need to be nervous, these dumbasses have been around at your best jokes as a fourteen year they can handle your worse off jokes as an adult. _

The house lights darkened and the talking grew quieter, and he waited for his que, mic in hand and he bounced on the balls of his feet, rubbing his nose and adjusting his glasses. The applause and cheers came suddenly, and Richie felt the nerves leave, a grin coming to rest on his face as he walked out onto the stage. His manager had asked him before if he could do a stupid little jog onto stage, and Richie had laughed in his face.

_ “Me? A gay? Do more than walk? Fat chance!” _In truth he just didn’t want to wind himself when getting onto the stage.

He waved a bit, shifting the mic from one hand to another to wave all around the theatre, thankful the lights shining so bright that he couldn’t see past the stage. He waved where he knew his family was sitting, sending them a small middle finger. He could practically see Stan rolling his eyes and Bev sending him one back. Those losers were so predictable.

“What is _ up _Washington DC?” The audience cheered back, and he grinned, gripping the mic with both hands under his chin.

“Alright! I wanted to start off sincere with all the mushy shit so I can get into the crude mindset and not have to retreat from that! So here it is- thank you for coming out tonight, you all could have been doing anything else- _ literally _anything else. And yet you came here, paying your hard earned money to see a grown ass man tell jokes on a Friday night. Which, in my opinion, is the best option. So thank you all, really. Alright,” He slapped a hand on his thigh, “Heart to heart is done let’s start this shit!”

He received some cheers and laughter at that. He’s matured a lot since being a stupid teenager, he now knew to thank the people who put up with his bullshit before tormenting them to more of his bullshit. Plus mama ain’t raise no asshole. Well, a 24/7 asshole.

“So I’m not sure how much about me you all know- which is hard to imagine as I overshare every night I’m on stage and I know there are those who illegally record me for the internet- but anyway!” He made it a point to extend his fingers out to random areas, pointing to certain audience members.

“But one major thing about me you all need to know! I have a special thing in my life, that I hold dear to me. The thing I love the most, my number one.” He took a deep breath, “Old people man. I fucking _ love _old people.” He saw Eddie let out a choked laugh, probably tensing up from the idea of being singled out on stage.

“I mean, not all old people- because let’s face the damn facts! It’s 2019 and yet we still got some asshole old people still alive- I mean have you _ seen _our government now-a-days?” He chuckled himself at that one, pausing to allow the laughter to die down, “Yes thank you for laughing at my stupid government joke, I made that one at 3 am while ranting to my half asleep boyfriend and our dog.”

He tilted his head, “Funny how old people beat out both my boyfriend and my dog in the list of things I love, but to be fair- my dog’s a spoiled brat and my boyfriend is a crazy bitch so they should feel _ honored _to be as close to the elders as they are.”

“Arlright, where was I? Ah shit, okay right.” He rubbed his eye under his glasses, “Old people, fucking love them man. There’s a reason I brought this up, a method to my madness as my psycho gym teacher used to say. And that reason is- grandparents. You either love them, or hate them. Well unless you’re me and you _ love _ to hate them. My grandpa, may Satan rest his soul, was a piece of _ shit _I tell you!”

He emphasized the words with a large stomp of his left leg, allowing for laughter to come through. Yeah, relatable shit got laughter. 

“He thought good gift giving to me as a _ teenager _ was socks, did this man _ not _know what teenage boys in the 80’s did on the weekends?! When not annoying your friends or harassing your local bully, time alone meant something else if you were just gifted fresh socks. Now this isn’t why I hated my grandpa, if the only thing he ever did was gift me socks he’d be my favorite person ever. No no no, my grandpa, having been born in like the old times, like the 1920’s,” He paused, “God that’s a weird ass thing to say. Anyway, being an old fart, my grandpa was the definition of homophobia.”

This received awkward laughter, quiet and strained. “Ah yes, homophobia card tends to make people uncomfortable. But hear me out! You paid to do so, so...do so! Anyway, this man _ knew _ I was gay before I did. Which, I’m starting to guess was _ normal _ for people around me but look, I was oblivious on many levels. But anyway, so this guy was like,” He started mimicking his old man voice, “‘Ah! I have a gay grandson. How do I remove the gay? Well option one, give him socks.’” He paused, shifting his eyes from side to side, smirking some as he could hear Bill’s loud laughter mix in with the crowd’s, “‘Well that didn’t work. Seems to have made it worse...Okay, option two! I shall send this boy, nude women magazines!’ My grandpa literally gifted me with a porn magazine at age _ twelve! _ Twelve! Now I had told my friends all about the women I had seen or been with, but this was the first time I had ever seen a breast in my life and I was _ terrified!” _

He shook his head, letting the mic drop in his hands as he cocked his hips, hands placed on them. “My grandpa was a strange man, luckily he was too frail to do anything past gift giving. Alright, well, I remember coming home one day in middle school, and there was one of those stupid white people school dances, right? And there was this boy at school I wanted to ask. But you know, 80’s, homophobia. Didn’t do it. But! I did talk to my mom about it, she was supportive, if not a bit confused because my mom had long believed I had already been _ dating _this guy. My grandpa who, unbeknownst to me, had been chilling in our living room, dying or doing whatever old people do, had heard. Cause all of a sudden I hear loud footsteps and a very loud ‘DON’T BE A PUSSY RICHARD!’”

“Now...look. When I mention wanting to ask someone out, and you respond with ‘Don’t be a pussy’, it sounds like you’re encouraging me to do it. At that time, though, he clearly didn’t mean that. So that leaves two options. He was either calling me a coward for liking a guy, or was calling me a vagina for liking a guy. Now one of those...one of those makes more sense than the other.” 

The crowd was laughing at this point, and Richie was grinning. He knew his audience, he knew the type of people he attracted. He was what the gay community flocked to, he saw the tumblr posts and memes made of him, he forwarded most to Eddie. He tended to receive expletives back. 

He had a horde of little gay youths behind him and most thought he was some type of deity or something. I mean he’d take it.

“Anyway, I remember sitting there, while my mother went red faced and yelled at my grandpa, and was like, ‘How am I a vagina for liking a guy?’ As stated before, I am not...the brightest of adults, so therefore I wasn’t the brightest kid. Anyway, this guy that I liked back then...let me just explain what he looked like to you.”

“He was fucking short man. I mean _ short _ as hell. Like this kid came up to my damn _ shoulders _ and _ I _ wasn’t even that tall to begin with in middle school. He also wore booty shorts. For a mother as overprotective as his was, booty shorts? First off the bright red clashed with his dumb graphic tee shirts, and two, every time he wore those all he talked about was how cold he was or how germs were gonna I dunno touch his skin or something? He also had a fanny pack. A god damn _ fanny pack! _It baffles me to this day that my half blind self saw this tiny ass man, who rattled on about different diseases and how they would get caught, cursed me out every five minutes, wore the worst outfits ever and owned a fanny pack in every color and thought, ‘Ah. That one. I’m gonna marry that one.’” 

The laughter that followed allowed him to pause, taking a shaky breath in. “Ironically, he’s here in the front row with my friends. I’m pretty sure I can feel his glare from here. Actually! Can we get some house lights?”

The lights came up slowly, and sure enough, there sat his 5 foot 9 kickass of a boyfriend, arms crossed and an amused glare on his face. He laughed, waving slightly at him, making faces at the other losers who were just as amused, if not more than, as Eddie.

“Hey Eds.”

Eddie cupped his hands around his mouth and called up, over the chuckling crowd, “Told you not to call me that.”

“Alright Edwardo.”

“Nope.”

“Eddie Spaghetti?”

“Worse!”

“Alright alright Edith I’ll shut up now.” The crowd laughed as Eddie through his hands up, leaning back further into his seat.

“Anyway, this kickass twink right here is my boyfriend. I did it mother fuckers! Somehow I managed to seduce some guy into dating me for seven years! Granted I was in love with him since I thought I was straight so I think I’m winning here but you know love isn’t a competition. Anyway, Eddie here, has been my best friend since we were kids. We met in elementary school, I had this best friend, Stan, the loser sitting _ next _to Eddie, and Eds had this best friend, Bill, aka Bill Hader, yes folks, the famous horror author! This guy is one of my best friends!” The crowd cheered at that and Bill hid his face in his hands, and he watched amused as Bev rubbed his back while laughing, “Alright alright, stop cheering for him you came for me!”

“Anyway, we met as kids when I was asking Stan if he dared me to shove all the meatballs in my leftover spaghetti in my mouth, to which Stan told me he hoped I choked if I did that. And all of a sudden this high pitch, naisily voice goes, ‘You know you could actually die if you put that many meatballs in your mouth!’ And I turn around, and there’s this tiny little guy who’s no bigger than a kindergartner, hands on his hips and this tiny pout on his face? Well right then is where we became best friends with or without his knowing of it. I knew I had a crush on him in eighth grade, after a shitty summer where my friend group faced off to some _ awful _shit.”

He cleared his throat, laughing some, “Anyway. Eddie had broken his arm over the summer, and some bitch wrote ‘loser’ on his cast, so naturally Eddie saw that and was like ‘This will fix it!’ and put a V over the S so it said ‘lover’. Lover. Right, all five foot even of a fanny pack wearing child was a _ lover. _ Naturally, I told him that and he said, right to my face, well looking up to my face he was too short, ‘That’s not what your mother was saying to me last night _ Trashmouth _’. And he said it so quickly I was quiet. It wasn’t even a good come back guys! But right then was the final thought of ‘I’m gonna marry this boy’.”

Eddie was shaking his head, eyes twinkling with amusement in the house lights. It's now or never.

“I keep bringing this up because I have this plan. Well half a plan. Or maybe like, a fourth of a plan. Anyway, Edward Cullen Kaspbrak, you’re a feisty little guy who changed your degree more times than I made yo mama jokes as a kid, you can kick my ass at maybe two of the hundreds of games we play together, and you spoil our pomeranian _ way _too much, I mean seriously Eds? Does she truly need a bed in every room in our apartment? Jesus man.” He shook his head, and Bev had covered her mouth, squeezing Ben’s arm tightly, already catching on to what Richie had planned.

He hadn’t told any of the other losers because those guys _ sucked _at keeping secrets.

“And I think we did some shit backwards man. We faced a fucking hard ass summer, went to prom together, made out, confessed our love, adopted a fish, went to college and hid said fish, had a funeral for that fish, then adopted our now dog daughter, _ then _moved in together, so naturall this was next on this list.” He cleared his throat, grabbing the small velvet box in his pocket.

The crowd had gone quiet now, excited gasps and hushed conversations among them. Eddie’s eyes were wide, Bill and Stan were all but shaking each other, Mike, Ben, and Bev were all holding hands in anticipation.

“So, Edward Kaspbrak, will you do me the honor of becoming Eddie Kaspbrak-Tozier? Or Tozier-Kaspbrak, if that’s a game changer.” He held the box up, opening it and tilting it to where Eddie was sitting.

Eddie’s face had split into a huge grin, eyes watery as his hands covered his cheeks. He nodded, nodded so aggressively that Richie was afraid his head would topple off. Richie let out a breathy laugh. “Yeah?”

Eddie nodded more, “Yes you fucking nerd!”

“Yes! Yes okay! Okay!” Richie jumped a few times, before settling down and clearing his throat, “Yes, he said yes everyone.”

The crowd erupted into screams and applause, and he took the opportunity to wipe his eyes some, the grin not leaving his face. “Alright!” He spoke into the mic, and laughed.

“Anyway, uh that’s not the end of the show folks, by the way. This was still like...beginning middle. Eddie you’ll get your ring later, fun fact- I proposed here because he was too polite to say no in front of all these people. Anway,” He rolled his eyes at the laughter, Eddie flicking him off once more as the house lights dimmed once more.

He knew Eddie wouldn’t have said no, no matter how he would have asked. If it had been private, if he had asked while they were half asleep in bed after watching far too many movies in a row, if he had asked with a mouthful of waffles and bad morning breath. Because, let’s face it. Eddie and Richie were a pair never seen apart, even before they knew the feelings they had for each other were anything past platonic. 

His heart felt lighter as he continued his show, the small weight in his pocket feeling no more like anxiety and more like excitement. He knew marriage was in their future, hell they had spent every moment since they were _ kids _together, adulthood would be no different. It was just playing chicken until someone grew the balls to propose.

And, naturally, Richie’s balls outweighed Eddie’s.


End file.
